i have been 3 weeks sober. as a result, my mind has become increasingly cloudy and i am finding it extremely difficult to express my feelings and thoughts. in a couple days i will be moving to a place where i will not have to be clean, and all of the guilt will go away and maybe some of the anxiety. the issue i am dealing with now is should i stay sober in this new shameless environment and see how long it takes for my head to just wake up again, or break my streak and not have to even worry about it. i am really not sure if this blockade that has come back is something i want to break only in order to entertain myself again or not. i used to be able to look at something and associate many things in regards to its qualities, then continually build a thought train around whatever those qualities might be. now i look at something and visualize next to nothing outside of its face value unless i really concentrated. the thing is that i never had to actually concentrate; the train of thought would just realize itself and stick into my mind like a post-it. i already know that this sobriety isn't going to last much longer than a few hours once i am moved in, but it is going to have to be something i deal with again soon as i will have to find a place of employment at some point. then again i could just stay here in my chair and compose something that has actual meaning to me without having to deal with the slap in the face we humans call adulthood. i definitely wouldn't be able to do that as easily while sober. who knows if i'm even creative enough to do something others will find interesting enough to be good (though i believe 'interesting' and 'good' are foils when it comes to creative outlets, at least when viewed by the public). but i have always thought that trying is frugal, it is just my pessimistic outlook. my thinking is i do need to get rid of this wall in order to not feel boring or be uninteresting. here are some funny pictures i like!
til next time, space cowboyssss