i've been thinking lately how weird i think sex is.
being of the homosex nature, i've always been attracted to those same-sex sorts of features and shapes n such. i used to think it was just some vanity thing. in other words, that my idea(s) of an attractive male is something i aspire towards being and therefore i am attracted to it. maybe heterosexual men have a similar mindset, like bodybuilders? i imagine they do it at least to brag or achieve a certain goal. maybe they think one step further from "be the attraction, want the attraction" to "be the attraction, get girls." it's just a foreign concept to me.
now that my theory of attraction is completely muddled, i can go on to have completely foolish ideas on the concept of sex. i have sex, and it feels good, but i don't get the notion that i am enjoying it to the extent i should be enjoying it. i'm pretty sure the only reason i started having sex was because something, like television or my pedophile 5th grade teacher, told me that humans have sex. if i lived in a secluded world of people who never told me anything about sex, i don't think that i would never know of ways to handle those feelings. or maybe i would, i don't remember if i've seen or heard about sexual activity before my 11th birthday.
the visual of bodies thrusting is apparently some inherent thing that people know is a turn on, right? i think it's rather awkward. is it because i've had bad sexual partners in the past? i don't think so, there isn't any variation of thrusting i can think of that is at least a little bit awkward looking. i always think that porn is so strange to look at after i'm, you know, done. why is there a time when i think it's the most pleasing thing in the world? is getting horny some magical thing?
maybe i don't believe in love. you can have fun regular and dirty times with someone that turns you on, but is that all to expect out of love? some of my issues with finding that someone is possibly trust. i don't think i can ever trust somebody enough to really feel like i'm "in love." after a while (several months?) i could maybe see that it is safe. it's just that i know what i'm thinking and you certainly don't, so call me out on how little faith i have. so my pessimism is telling me that if it takes so long to possibly trust someone in a relationship enough to think that i love that person, then that will be really difficult as i tend to be self-destructive in most social situations. my point is that i think i would have to be "in love" with someone to only possibly get the full effect of having sex, and that's a long, bumpy road for someone like me to take.
sometimes i think "why would there be such a genetic flaw found in humans that makes some of them engage in life-long activities that does not help procreate?" yeah, i've heard about some homosexual tendencies found in other species of animals too, but let's focus. maybe an episode of south park helped with this one, the one where they find out that the planet earth is an intergalactic reality television show. i think that aliens could be messing with us. maybe there's a homosexual laser beam that shoots you at birth from galaxies away and just turns your attraction to the other sex off. that would make me feel better than how now i believe that homosexuality is a biological disorder that says "this guy's going to have a difficult time with the procreators." not just a disorder either, more like a deficiency. that's even worse.
homosexuals are aliens
until i can trust anyone completely, i don't believe in sex, but i will still have it at appropriate times in relationships because others like it
it's possible to have deeply repressed trauma that alters your personality to that of paranoia