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Sunday, February 20, 2011

maybe i'm asexual

i've been thinking lately how weird i think sex is.

being of the homosex nature, i've always been attracted to those same-sex sorts of features and shapes n such. i used to think it was just some vanity thing. in other words, that my idea(s) of an attractive male is something i aspire towards being and therefore i am attracted to it. maybe heterosexual men have a similar mindset, like bodybuilders? i imagine they do it at least to brag or achieve a certain goal. maybe they think one step further from "be the attraction, want the attraction" to "be the attraction, get girls." it's just a foreign concept to me.

now that my theory of attraction is completely muddled, i can go on to have completely foolish ideas on the concept of sex. i have sex, and it feels good, but i don't get the notion that i am enjoying it to the extent i should be enjoying it. i'm pretty sure the only reason i started having sex was because something, like television or my pedophile 5th grade teacher, told me that humans have sex. if i lived in a secluded world of people who never told me anything about sex, i don't think that i would never know of ways to handle those feelings. or maybe i would, i don't remember if i've seen or heard about sexual activity before my 11th birthday.

the visual of bodies thrusting is apparently some inherent thing that people know is a turn on, right? i think it's rather awkward. is it because i've had bad sexual partners in the past? i don't think so, there isn't any variation of thrusting i can think of that is at least a little bit awkward looking. i always think that porn is so strange to look at after i'm, you know, done. why is there a time when i think it's the most pleasing thing in the world? is getting horny some magical thing?

maybe i don't believe in love. you can have fun regular and dirty times with someone that turns you on, but is that all to expect out of love? some of my issues with finding that someone is possibly trust. i don't think i can ever trust somebody enough to really feel like i'm "in love." after a while (several months?) i could maybe see that it is safe. it's just that i know what i'm thinking and you certainly don't, so call me out on how little faith i have. so my pessimism is telling me that if it takes so long to possibly trust someone in a relationship enough to think that i love that person, then that will be really difficult as i tend to be self-destructive in most social situations. my point is that i think i would have to be "in love" with someone to only possibly get the full effect of having sex, and that's a long, bumpy road for someone like me to take.

sometimes i think "why would there be such a genetic flaw found in humans that makes some of them engage in life-long activities that does not help procreate?" yeah, i've heard about some homosexual tendencies found in other species of animals too, but let's focus. maybe an episode of south park helped with this one, the one where they find out that the planet earth is an intergalactic reality television show. i think that aliens could be messing with us. maybe there's a homosexual laser beam that shoots you at birth from galaxies away and just turns your attraction to the other sex off. that would make me feel better than how now i believe that homosexuality is a biological disorder that says "this guy's going to have a difficult time with the procreators." not just a disorder either, more like a deficiency. that's even worse.

tl;dr:
homosexuals are aliens
until i can trust anyone completely, i don't believe in sex, but i will still have it at appropriate times in relationships because others like it
it's possible to have deeply repressed trauma that alters your personality to that of paranoia

46 comments:

Les said...

From an evolutionary standpoint, homosexuality is wrong, sure. But humans have a tendency to laugh in the face of natural selection, what with our hospitals and vaccines and whatnot.

mtn said...

homosexuals are aliens? really?

Every Day said...

maybe you just haven't found the right partner?take your time, love is supposed to be illogical.

Anton Nuemus said...

wow,
feels bad man

Anonymous. said...

I genuinely feel the same sometimes. it's weird. Kind of horrid.

PekkaK said...

I've read that many inventive people were asexuals.

balmfooey said...

man, good goddamn post.

i don't currently identify as a homosexual, but i'm not really against the idea of being one either. the last relationship i had, i was trying to make it purely non-physical, to the point of not touching the other person for a week so that i would make certain that my attraction was not only physical (yeah i know, stupid now). i mean, i'm a teenager, so of course i'm feeling sexual at times, but i like self-discipline.

and then she went with my friend and they felt each other up, and since then, sex has disgusted me so much. i can't stand the thought of people having sex, and i can't understand how everyone thinks that it's okay. (i'm talking premarital here.)

i am largely a romantic, and i do fall in love with things and sometimes people, but this i do not understand.

(by the way, this post made me think that we should hang some time.)

Leon Smith said...

Very well thought out post. My view is that both the idea of sex and love is so different for each person, that you just have to do what feels right for you.

-DO- said...

love <> sex remeber this

Meghan Moran said...

best effing post

MixedNuts said...

Even I think sex is strange, like the kissing part for example.

Banacek said...

It's more than a bit strange when you stop and think about it.

Haezer said...

A laughed with the 'tl;dr' part.

gcphillips1 said...

Well it's a fair enough train of thought. Maybe pray for snail reincarnation

Rob said...

Gender is tricky, I know how you feel though.

You should look into stuff relating to gender studies, its all very interesting stuff, and may help you figure out some stuff, it helped me.

Scootland Economics said...

its cool and possible bro
Economics

Zahk! said...

Now it all sounds strange lol

Paranormal Explorer said...

When you meet the right person you will love them :) No matter what you think about love etc you'll know it when you're with them and if you love someone the sex is amazing :)

anoodle said...

Pooping is strange. Maybe you shouldn't do that anymore either.

Niko said...

I never thought about sex like that. I always thought it was something you're supposed to do when in a relationship. lol @ homsexual laser beam.

Charles said...

IMO we are all here for no reason but to better our own lives / species. I believe that each person should do whatever makes them happy (to a certain point). I feel that being gay is fine, because they don't further increase the population and they tend to adopt, (there are some exceptions) helping another issue.

In about finding the human body attractive, I believe its there such as finding an action star (or similar) powerful (or plain awesome) is a form of attraction, maybe not sexually, but I think its there.

Motivationalized said...

Hmmmm, this is just a thought, but maybe you should try to determine what is it that you find attractive about someone, what draws you to them. Than maybe you could better understand what you are looking for in a relationship.

Love is a word that Hollywood pushed so far beyond the bounds of normal human interaction, that people ruin their lives searching for a myth that cannot exist. There's no such thing as romantic love, so don't go searching for it.

Bassislv said...

hahahah, what a strange post

DEZMOND said...

this just means that you haven't yet met that right, really right, person. When you do he will leave you with no reservations or doubts, and sex will be just making sweet sweet love :) Then, sex will not be an obligation, a pastime ...

Chris C. said...

I think Les has a good point. =)

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

Any kind of sex is weird and gross if you think about it long enough. I try not to think too much when I'm doing it. Also, buttsecks is no grosser than childbirth. Just a thought. I don't think nature is supposed to be a perfect procreating mechanism and I don't think there's anything wrong or deficient with being gay. Just my opinion. I'm straight btw.
Interesting, provocative blog you have here. Following, supporting, etc.

ed said...

so you will have sex because others like it? are you a manwhore? lol

gekomaster said...

Haha great article...(sadly?) I agree with you!

Rawr said...

weird post but interesting,

G said...

the act itself if fairly similar, if taken in isolation...but it's the lead up and context that are all important in my opinion.
Maybe you've just not met 'the one' yet...took me years to get really into it

Anonymouse said...

meh, i've felt asexual for long periods before, but i got over it. interesting article though.

Dr.Thrax said...

deep

FranklinR said...

I believe the concept of love is an adaptation from harsher times to cause partners to cooperate and protect one another from enemies or predators. Since we're social animals it only makes sense. (for me atleast)

RetroSpider said...

I believe in sex as a means to an end. Usually to conceive. Granted its fun to have it for other reasons. Also having it for love really will depend on the person. In other words it means something different to each person so I wouldn't worry about it =P

Tony Storm said...

i think its all about of how you want to be seen or how you want to see yourself rather that any other point of view

Patti D. said...

You can feel atracted by all kind of people from all the genders, I know I do!

BrandonHeat said...

I've always thought homosexuals were weird.

Betta sp said...

better find a love one to do sex, a woman of course

metalpark_73189 said...

Lol I remember that episode dude, and don't look for love man, seriously. Let it find you. I know you hear that a lot probably but it's true.

Anny Smith said...

I'd love to be asexual, but DAMN YOU NATURE >=[

Questions said...

I love women too much to be asexual.

Chris said...

Great post man. I really feel for you though. I hope you can one day truly enjoy sex in a loving relationship.

Laughing Vault said...

just relax :D you dont have to enjoy it as much as others

failanx said...

Everything's weird if you think about it for long enough.

giveitaname said...

"it's possible to have deeply repressed trauma that alters your personality to that of paranoia"

Absolutely wonderful bit of writing in Jim Carroll's last book - "The Petting Zoo" - can't say much in the way of describing the long, long scene, other than you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish you never had to live or die.

Highly recommended piece of stuff in that ten or so page section. There's raw veal, a lightly locked bathroom door and oh, I wish I could say more without spoilers.

qwerty said...

Yeah dude, do what you like.