lemme tell you bout marty

i've been gone for a while (ahem, manic), but now i'm back in the blogging saddle. yay! so since there was interest about some personal things about me, i want to share with everyone the story of how this 5 foot asian cunt ruined my last year at college.

it started when a couple of girlfriends from work wanted to get an apartment with me, which was fine, you know, since they have bewbs and whatnot. i was already practically living with one of them (the nicer one whom i'm not talking to presently) at the time, so i knew about how they like to talk about feelings and boys and blah blah blah your ear off sort of chatter. it's cool, i'm a good listener. and at that point i was smoking pot everyday so i didn't give a fuck anyway.

so we sign for an apartment at the end of may for september. i decided to stay in the area since i had a job and could work there, and my friend of the threesome had a place i could rent with her and a few others. let's call her shmashmina. so in june i was living with shmashmina and the asian girl, let's call her sharah, went home to maryland after the quarter was over. she wasn't someone i talked to regularly on the phone or anything, we were just cool with each other. so she gets back from maryland and immediately goes out to an animal shelter to get a dog. do i know if she was planning to do this for a while or anything? no. neither did shmashmina. all i know is that we had just signed for a lease to all live together and this bitch goes out and buys a fucking dog. shmashmina and i are more cat people, so we were both like "what the fuck, dogs are not cats." shmashmina was the one who told me that sharah got the thing, and that it was a white maltese. imagine this, except with shades of poop brown speckled on the white fur.

of all the dogs you can get, why would you want a fucking yappy white rat thing? there are small dogs that are actually cute and energetic (corgies, yorkshire terriers...that's kind of it. i hate small dogs). anyway, there was no out for me as i had already paid the deposit and signed to live with this inconsiderate skank and now her ugly dog. in addition, we could no longer get a cat or something cool like a bunny because our place was only big enough for one pet. so i said 'fuck it, can't change anything, just hope to god that she keeps it in a cage, etc.'

so a few weeks later while i was still living with shmashmina, sharah came over with the thing and asked if we could watch it for the weekend while she went to cleveland to fuck someone or whatever. i said no, shmashmina said fine, i said no again. so sharah, having already put the stuff the dog (she named it 'maddie' *gag*) needed for the weekend inside of the house before asking, said "great" and left. now, i gave the thing a chance. i told shmashmina that i would have no part in taking care of it, and she said that she was just going to leave it in the cage for the entire weekend anyway (hah). i let it out of the cage once to see if it could play or anything and it just ran around without purpose and yipped nonstop (aka why i hate small dogs). so i was like "back in the cage you go, you vermin" and it bit me! what the fucking fuck! it was around noon, so to make the stupid fuck stop barking i put a blanket over the cage to emulate night. shmashmina thought it was brilliant because it actually worked. i went to work and came back 8 hours later to the house smelling like 40 hobos had ransacked the place and smeared beer piss and 40oz shits on the walls. i looked at shmashmina, looking rather ragged, and was like "what happen?" she went on to give me details about how she took the dog out before going out to get coffee with a friend for an hour or two and came back to the place smelling like it did. apparently the dog shat twice in that period in its cage and managed to piss and shit outside of the cage (it's a female). so i said to her "fantastic. you know that when the three of us move in together that we're going to be out of the house most of the day for work and class, not to mention that we will probably ignore the dog and not ever take it out even if we're home (truth). we have to tell sharah that this thing is already a problem." she said "i know, i know, i will." now, i was at work when sharah came back from fucking every man in cleveland, so i assumed that shmashmina had discussed the shit with her. turns out she did not say anything about when we're all living together, but did manage to get sharah to find other places for the dog when she decided to go out of town.

fast forward to september. there really isn't a whole lot more to this story since the same thing will happen everyday. i wake up, there's shit on the carpet and a pee stain to match. yell up to sharah "i hate your dog, leave it in its cage overnight you twat." she's usually not home, so i buy post it notes and be slightly passive-aggressive about it. she takes this as a sign that i don't want to talk to her when she reads the note (posted daily) on her door as she usually gets them when i'm not home. eventually i moved on to texting her whenever there's a poop. after a week of notes and poops, she storms into my room one evening and asks who the hell i think i am telling her that she should keep her dog in a cage and not clean up after it and leave passive aggressive shit on her door and yadda yadda yadda. by that point in the day i'm so blazed i think she's just yelling at the wall or something in my room and start laughing in her face, making her even more furious as she stomps away. had i had been of sound mind i would have yelled to her that the dog is not my problem to deal with, but since she's gone all day she should keep it in a place where i don't have to see and smell shit and piss on a daily basis after coming home. she eventually makes up a story that it has "cage anxiety" and can't stay in one for long (possibly because of the blanket? i laugh). she decides to board it up in the kitchen (where we all entered the house, by the way) when she's not there, but it yipped far too much for me to handle. not to mention that i didn't want shit all over the kitchen, where we prepare food like humans do.

tensions are escalated to max as a few months go by. shit everyday. i try a few things to get sharah to change her behavior, but her stubbornness is so whacked out that she ignores it to the point where she starts yelling. one of the things i tried was setting up the dog cage she had in the closet and putting it in the corner of the living room. as each day went by i would pull it out of the corner by a foot or so until it was literally at the foot of the stairs. sharah gets pissed off, yells at me for touching her property and puts the cage away. ugh, what was i to do. it was about to get into biological warfare territory on my end, but not yet. i tried leaving the dog in sharah's room when she wasn't there to keep it from having its way with the carpet in our living room (not her living room), but that was shot down the first day when she found poop in her bed. heaven forbid the dog poops only on her things. i put the dog in her room whenever she wasn't there anyway and dealt with the bitching until she actually started blackmailing me (legitimately). at this point it wasn't about the dog anymore, it was about how psycho sharah was and how i just couldn't deal with her anymore. i would have to do things a bit more...sneakily... to attain any satisfaction out of my horrible living situation.

no, i wasn't going to call animal services to take it away (even though the dog looked like this at that point)

i wasn't even sure what qualified as abuse, and i wasn't going to be the one to abuse it as it was just a stupid dog. i couldn't let it out of the house to run away, first of all because it didn't run away and secondly because she still had too much dirt on me that could have ruined my life more than the dog. what was i to do? simple really, take tiny pieces of poop from the readily available bevy in the living room and slowly cover various things in thin layers. of poop. stuff that she wouldn't be able to see, but she would be able to smell. i started with her doorknob, which was already brown, and the insides of her pillowcases. i moved on to do the inside of her drawers, lampshade, around the door frame, drawer handles... pretty much anywhere she touched regularly or couldn't see at all. i never knew if she actually noticed that her room or hands smelled regularly of fecal matter, but the fact that i was able to do it without her knowing was enough for me.

so, where was shmashmina during all of this? she was the neutral party, which she could be because she had a girlfriend to occupy her time instead of listening to sharah and i bicker. she didn't want her friendship with either me or sharah to deteriorate, so she just became avoidant. she would complain to me about the mess and smell constantly, but she also took the thing out whenever asked at 4am when sharah was out having orgies or whatever. the slut. eventually after i was moved out in july (did not want to make it to august), i told shmashmina about the poop i spread all around sharah's room. she thought it was funny, but really disgusting. she was actually pretty horrified as it turns out because she told sharah soon after that conversation. i got a few angry calls and whatnot, but since i had left my whole life in the city behind she really couldn't use anything against me. was the happy ending worth the $250 deposit i lost on the place? maybe, since she had to clean all of her stuff excessively. is the story over? nope!

right before i moved out our refrigerator was getting rather nasty. asian girls are pigs. anyway, i decided that since shmashmina and i were moving out early july and sharah was staying until the end of the lease (end of august), that it would be kind of fun to mess things up a bit for her. i knew we weren't getting our deposits back by the end of the first month living there, so i thought of some things i could do that wouldn't incur any additional fees or something sharah would have to labor over to clean up. after my stuff was moved out (important, i was scared she would physically wreck all of my shit), i put a few maggots in some really old leftover food in the fridge to let them multiply, wrote "hate you, bitch" on the wall with poop (was it the dog's? she'll never know) and threw the remaining on her door. yes, it was all immature, but it gave me so so much satisfaction. in the voicemail she left me the next day, she only complained about the shit. that's cool, all she could do at that point is complain and yell, and all i had to do was press 'delete.' nothing about the refrigerator though...until a week and half later. i've never heard anyone scream like that; she became hoarse mid-message. it was divine.

and fyi, shmashmina, her girlfriend and i called the dog 'marty' because it pissed off sharah.

the end!